On women and female leadership values

Friends,

Last week I wrote about the need to lead society’s boys, especially those without dads. And I promised a few words about girls and women in leadership.

One point is obvious and positive: females have made extraordinary progress over the past half-century. Females consistently graduate at higher rates than males - from high school, college, and now in some graduate school disciplines as well, e.g., law school. While we often question our ability as a society to make significant and positive change, it seems worth acknowledging this huge societal progress. The edgy line from the Virginia Slims cigarette commercial is more true than ever: “You’ve come a long way, baby.”

What’s almost more amazing than the rise of women is the rise of what I would describe as female leadership values and style. Women have brought with them values of inclusion, compromise, compassion and relationship - not to mention the focus on the family itself - as they have moved from the world of family to the world of W-2s and 1099s. Many authoritarian structures in business, church, academia and the law have been taken apart (or at least eroded) by female leadership values. The leadership field itself has been filled with the importance of values that would traditionally have been seen as more feminine. These are just a few of the most popular ideas, and they are all driven by the rise of female thought: crucial conversations, emotional intelligence, servant leadership, getting to yes, great companies to work for, and encouraging the heart. All of these concepts stress relationships and echo the work of feminist writers and . . . moms.

Last week the Episcopal church in America became the first American church to elect a woman as its leader. Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schorri takes the helm of a church in danger of schism. And in characteristic female tone said, “I will bend over backward to build relationships with people who disagree with me.”

There is a distance yet to go to afford women full opportunity and justice when it comes to leadership and equal pay. We need to keep at it, for them, and for all of us. For in a world threatened with extremism, violence, and separation, we have so much more to learn about the enduring power and tremendous potential of female leadership. Whether you are a man or a woman, I would suggest that it is vital to embrace these female values if you are to…
Lead with their best self,

Dan

Father leaders and needy sons

Friends,

Tim Russert of Meet the Press, has followed up last year’s acclaimed tribute to his father Big Russ with a compilation of the stories that readers poured out to him in response to that first book. This one is called Wisdom of Our Fathers. Hearing Russert talk about it made me think of my own hero, Jack Mulhern (1928-1996). His two favorite words were sacrifice and love. He pronounced them with his actions even more than his tongue. The achievement he was unquestionably most proud of was that all 7 of his kids earned college degrees.

Big Russ and Dad inevitably turn my gaze to less fortunate kids, to think, “there, but for the grace of God, go I.” I have mentored two boys in the past four years. One raised by a single mom, whose love, determination, encouragement and discipline with her children inspired me. The other whom I mentioned in last week’s RFL is being raised by his grandmother, who’s valiantly trying to fill the chasm in his parentless life. 40% of American children spend part of their lives in single-parent households. Estimates are that 70% of African American boys are being raised without fathers. Many of their biological fathers were themselves raised without fathers.

From a moral standpoint, these children belong to all of us. We have the opportunity to put a finger on the scale of life that is weighted so heavily against them. I mentor because my father’s love (and some would well say, my Father’s love) was unearned. Dad put his whole self on that scale for each of us.

90% of our prison population is male. While some worry about the fairness of college admissions and the morality of affirmative action, I worry about prison admissions and the lack of affirmative action to keep children out, especially African American boys.

33% of our mentor population is male. Why not think about putting your finger on that scale of justice? Call 1-800-VOLUNTEER to learn about mentoring programs in your area (in Michigan , you can also go to www.mentormichigan.org). Have a hand in crafting the lives of young people who through no fault of their own, are longing for a friend, who will,

Lead with their best self,

Dan

P.S. I will write soon about women and leadership. While I worry much about our boys, I readily acknowledge that critical fields remain tilted against our girls and women.

A Genuine Senior Moment

Friends,

State Representative Brenda Clack invited me to speak to a celebration luncheon she and Catholic Charities were hosting for grandparents in Flint who were or are actively parenting grandchildren. I had become keenly aware of this kind of heroic challenge, because my Little Brother’s grandmother adoped him nine years ago. I have often been struck by the way Alberta stepped up and now steps up every day in his life. Like so many of these quiet heroines and heroes, she feels she is simply doing what needs to be done, what life and God have asked. The journey to leadership in this instance begins with awareness of a gap and then the willingness to step up to leadership to fill that gap. These grandparents took a first step that all of us can avoid by looking away, filtering out, not perceiving injustice, difficulty, or danger. Some inner filter says to us: “Let someone else handle it.” It is inspiring to watch someone who does not turn such a blind eye.

This weekend as I was reading a novel called Marathon, I stumbled across this life-focusing line from Horace Mann, who in the mid-1800s was a major catalyst in the creation of public schools in America. Mann wrote, “Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity.” It made me think about the response of these grandparents and about the call of leadership generally. It made me wonder: Where will you and I win some victory for humanity?

Mann’s cry and Representative Clack’s grandparents also made me reflect on the short-term economic thinking that causes institutions to drive out older workers whose years have pushed them up the pay ladder. Because they are viewed as costs to the system or old-timers, or as over-the-hill, more than a few of these workers can’t wait to retire. They feel underused and underappreciated. Shouldn’t we be inviting them, with the wisdom they have acquired, to pursue “some victory for humanity”? With a competitive world out there, and with demographics that suggest we will soon wish we still had them in the workforce, we would be wise to work hard at appreciating, engaging, challenging, and encouraging these 50 and 60-somethings. Like the heroic grandparents, they may not have the same energy they once had, but they have much more wisdom and have the capacity to make a great difference - one they and we could savor. Why not spark their desire to “win a victory,” like these grandparents who have answered the call to make a difference?

In our youth-crazy world, we may completely miss the fact that it may not be until we are in the twilight of our careers that we are really most able to . . .

Lead with our best self,

Dan

Hope, Change, and Taking Control of Your Development

Friends,

Two weeks ago, I sat down with a delegation of six young people, sixteen to eighteen years old, and they shook up my old ways of thinking. They had all dropped out of school by 10th grade. They had all used drugs. They had big problems with their parents and with the law. But now they are totally determined to succeed. Each has made huge academic strides in a 5-month residential program called the National Youth Challenge Academy, run by the Michigan National Guard. And the thing that impressed me the most about these kids was their total candor about where they had been, and their open expressions of realism about the challenge now before them. They are about to return to their homes and neighborhoods, where they will face lots of bad old patterns and new temptations. They are deeply grateful that they will have the support of this amazing program for 12 more months. And the key to the next stretch is that each has developed a relationship with a mentor.

My thinking was shook up, because I slip into believing that people generally can’t change, and the stereotypes of kids in trouble make me even more doubtful about them. And these young people were clearly making a huge break in their lives. They were impressive; honest, direct, humble and determined. And the program has had a history of success. It makes me wonder, and makes me want you to wonder: Whom have we given up on? A client, partner, kid? Even ourselves? What an inspiration to see these young people taking on the odds and the doubters - including themselves.

The program generated a second huge “aha” for me. As I said, these young adults will all have mentors at home. For three years I have been obsessed with increasing the number of adults mentoring children in Michigan, so naturally I asked the program directors, “How do you get your mentors?” They told me, “We ask the young person to identify a few people whom they might like to have as a mentor. Then we help them to consider who would be best, and we assist them in asking that person to mentor them for a year.” For me, it was a “duh!” moment, causing a complete paradigm shift: Here I am running around trying to convince strangers to mentor some anonymous kids; meanwhile, these young people have to be the most persuasive recruiters we could possibly find. So, in Mentor Michigan we will be asking programs all around the state: “How might you allow your kids - especially those on waiting lists - to become your dominant recruiters?” I expect innovation and success.

What does it have to do with you? Well, many of us wait for a mentor to drop out of the sky. The National Youth Challenge Academy might prompt you to think a different way: Why not identify someone you would like to have as a mentor, and go ask them if they’d be willing to coach you?

If we are going to change and to grow and to break bad habits and fight the drift of group pressures, we all need help. Think about getting a mentor to help you to…

Lead with your best self!
Dan