Your comments on my thoughts were good to reflect on and I must put that book on my book list (near the top). On your point about my awareness, I must say I think it is only a slight awareness at this point and often falls to the background in the heat of battle. The trick I now need to master is bringing it to the forefront of my thinking more often… maybe your book suggestion might help.

I am a great arguer though and if I can put in an addendum to my first post I have recently been reminder of my own ability to argue through my teens as my mother is here visiting me from New Zealand (where I am originally from) for our eldest’s, Callum’s, fifth birthday and we have been having a laugh at just how good an arguer I was when I was in my teens. My mother was sharing how she used to argue back sometimes and realise how futile it was. This is in line with the teachings of another kiwi (term for a New Zealander) whose name is Celia Lashlie who wrote a book “He’ll Be OK - Growing Gorgeous Boys into Good Men”. Her insights were quite incredible and based on research she actually did with boys in school after her own experiences working in prisons with some of those men who didn’t quite make the right choices through their earlier years. Her book is here and I’m sure you will find her insights incredibly astute - even where the subject matter in your initial sharing was a daugher: http://www.harpercollins.com.au/global_scripts/product_catalog/book_xml.asp?isbn=186950528X

I was lucky enough to have a middle school teacher, of my first boy, take the time to stop and talk with me, when I expressed my eagerness to learn what I could do to help my son through the next few years. This came after I heard him say ” So your Mrs. Flynn!”. It seems my son was a good student and loved to talk. Only, he did it when the teacher wanted to talk.
The teacher stated that in Middle School the children sit on a fence, ready to lean one way or the other. Peers have a great influence and will be more than glad to take your job if you are not there to influence and LISTEN. He said my son would tell me lots of things; even things I did not want to hear. But I was to just listen and nod. And afterward gently steer the conversation toward “Well, how would you handle that?” or something else to keep the door to conversation open. He said to hug him and tell him I loved him, a lot. Especially when he was MOST unloveable. Because that was when he didn’t love himself.
I really took this advice to heart and used it on all three of my sons. They took me through some pretty funny and some scary times, but we all made it.

definitely another ‘top ten hit’ for me, this one. Talk about resonating at a deep level! The fact you can share so openly about your own fallibility and struggles that we all have in common is powerful and healing. I can think of many parallels already even at the early stage of parenting that I am at with 3 boys of 5, 3, and 1. Our 5 year old is a wonderful and spirited child who I’m sure we are going to have many growth experiences with down the track if the first five years are anything to go on! If you can picture it, he is the sort of personality where if you can picture ‘the line’ you aren’t supposed to cross drawn on the ground, he is standing there with one foot on the line and the other foot dancing a merry tune across it on the other side. Your topic here really strikes a chord with me and sits perfectly in the area of learning to respect him as a person yet seeking to teach and discipline him to a level of behaviour that is acceptable… there is no management experience like it yet the similarities are glaring as you and others have clearly noted.

The main lesson I take from your sharing is that crucial one that is surely the secret to success as a parent that our job is not to ‘create a person’ the way we want them but to give them the tools and the support to help them create themselves. They aren’t meant to be our mirror image but only to have a picture of us that on occasion they may choose to reflect on us when they feel the need to. From where I sit being the sort of person that struggles with wanting other people to think like I do and see the world the way I do, I am very clear on the enormity of the task ahead of me and your message helps me on the way. Thank you for your open sharing and the wonderful thoughts others have shared.