Comments on: Family Leadership - Another Duh! and Wow! Moment for Me

by: Karen

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 21:12:54 +0000

Just catching up on old mail and found this article. I recently visited a daughter at college. I usually bring a simple meal for us to share in her apartment. We invited a friend of hers to join us. As we ate our soup and bread, talking and laughing, she kept saying over and over how wonderful it was that we would “eat together as a real family” and that she couldn’t remember the last time her family did this. Even when the “kids” are in their 20s, they still need meals together. And how sad that something which seems so simple and that my daughter and I take for granted is something this young lady pined for.

by: Shannon

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 19:45:22 +0000

Hey Martha, when our daughter was in a theatre production and the other in swimming, dinner was at 9pm. So we opted for meal time at breakfast. To simplify, crockpot breakfasts (oatmeal variations) and makeahead egg/meat (or veggie)/cheese casseroles worked for us. That way, it was either ready to eat in the moring or, we could make it the night before, put it in the oven while everyone got ready then eat before leaving but either way, the prep was done. Big meals and no fuss with everyone home. But it was at 5:30 am. Just a suggestion. I learned this trick from another busy family.

by: Shannon

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 19:34:51 +0000

We have 4 kids (5/7/16/19) and recently an exchange student so I appreciate a busy lifestyle. My husband and I both work FT. We all eat together every night and are sometimes short only one (the eldest is in college)and we pray before we eat. If someone is not hungry or ate with friends after school, they join the family for the mealtime as it is an experience as much as a meal. This ritual has provided time for discussion points from the serious to the silliest of topics and everyone gets to speak. The tv must be left off during the meal so that whomever is speaking gets full attention. Manners are learned here, too. In addition, everyone has to help prepare or clean up. The payoffs have been tremendous! Not only are our children academically successful, they can socialize, convey their thoughts articulately, and they can carry lightweight conversations as well as serious ones (even the little guys do a fair job). This is not the case with visiting friends (at least when they first arrive). The older kids have friends that now come often just for the family environment and when they are in Rome. . . .we treat them like Romans. My oldest daughter’s three best friends come “home” to visit us when they are in from college now and that is a good feeling.

by: Sarah

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 18:44:14 +0000

This is an excellent topic. I agree with many comments about be careful of thinking just eating together will achieve what you want. Having training in counseling and listening skills, I how hard it is to ask open ended questions that really invite the other to decide what they want to talk about. Even with LOTS of training.
In addition I’ve been overweight most of my life, and am following closely the information about how to help your child avoid having an eating disorder. What gets served at meals and how children can be allowed to make decisions about how much and when to eat healthy foods are important additions to the suggestions about making meals a positive experience for the whole family.

Sarah

by: Carol

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 16:13:56 +0000

I agree family time and mealtime are very important. For a family that has dwindled (1 in college and 1 out of college) to a single teen boy at home it is difficult given the schedules of the parents haven’t improved - working 40-60 hours a week on 1 hand, and on another forced to unemployment, looking for work and going back to school.

Given that, we try to make mealtime at least once a week and even when we’re all on the fly, we try to convene in some sort of way, when the late comer is finally home and trying to refill their fuel and energy levels.

Another thing that sounds counter to family time, but actually helps us build our relationships, is when we sit down in the evening and have the TV on. It is interesting if all 3 of us are in the room to see the exchanges that take place (men, even 16 year old men, do not deal well with face to face discussions - even at the dinner table) so when you put us all facing a tv or a game or something else - the flow of real conversation can amaze me (the lone female left).

Anyway, reach out to your family anyway you can - we all need to be heard and listened to and have the ability to hear eachother’s angles too.

great comments and ideas by all!

by: Lynn Barrette Gaunt

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 14:08:25 +0000

What a great piece! To know that it doesn’t take rocket science to save our kids from peril. Common sense is all we need. And to pause throughout the day, whatever day it is, to share a meal and celebrate the act of eating together.

by: maggie cotant

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 14:00:07 +0000

This is so true. I still read to my 6 and 10 year old every night. This is our time together, as I, too, am a single working mom. My boys love this and I know we are closer because of it. If the day has been rushed or difficult for some reason, this is our way to end it with snuggling!

by: maggie cotant

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 13:52:57 +0000

Hi, Dan-

My sister, Molly Cotant, just loves you and recently heard you speak when her husband, Jim Harrington, was awarded the Preventionist of the Year Award for the health department. She and I have been talking a lot about my sons and she thought I would enjoy this blurb from you.

My two boys and I eat dinner together every night. It’s not easy as a single working mom, but we do it. One thing that I read and have found to be so great is that instead of asking open ended questions, be very specific. For instance, instead of asking the dreaded “how was your day?” that you refer to, I will now say: “Jacob, tell me one thing that you wrote today” or “Simon, tell me one thing that Mrs. Powers said to you today”. My boys are 6 and 10 and they really seem to respond to these specific questions. When we eat with my parents or have other guests, they are included in this “game” and we learn things about them, too! The boys love it and I’m finally getting answers other than “nothing” or “I don’t remember”.

I’m really hoping that if my boys learn now that I am interested in their lives and that they can talk to me, they will still be talking to me when the issues they are dealing with are bigger.

Want to read a great novel about family leadership? Try “Peace Like a River” by Lief Enger. It is my favorite book of all time!

Thanks, Maggie

by: dan

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 12:55:54 +0000

James,

Thanks for sharing your candid thoughts.

As someone who’s sat in literally hundreds of bleachers over the years, I think there IS something about the meal. It’s about ALL being together, it’s about talking and listening, and it’s about an ancient ritual of breaking bread together. This is not to say that “being there” in the stands or the audience doesn’t matter - I’m sure it does - but the meal is special.

I also suspect that organized meals might do a lot better for the obesity issue that you and others have written about than the entropy and fast-food-on-the-run lives that many of us lead.

danmulhern

by: dan

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 12:49:51 +0000

It’s great that you’re doing this!

by: dan

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 12:48:05 +0000

Martha,
Great comments. What your message speaks with volume is that you have made it a priority. Once you do see that importance, you may have to (or get to?) be inventive, as you have been.
For so many of us, we give in to the brutal schedules of our kids, as well as our own. We also give in as others have written to our teens’ seeming indifference or even resistance to us and to being together. One of the thngs about the research that struck me is that teens overwhelmingly tell surveyers that they appreciate meals together. It’s up to us to convene them and then figure outhow they are something other than irrelevant adult-talk, or the Spanish Inquisition.
danmulhern

by: dan

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 12:41:44 +0000

Pat,
Very cool idea. Might be some “his”story in there, too. My two brothers know their artichoke hearts from their hearts of palm. On the other hand my wife . . . never mind that.
Dan

by: Kathy

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 09:29:49 +0000

Dan,

I found the high school years, with two busy daughters, to be the most challenging in terms of meals together. I love to cook, but they never seemed to want much to eat,or to linger long. My friend and I, both single parents, instituted Sunday night “family dinners,” with family being pretty loosely interpreted. We would get together and cook, and often ate outside. The kids knew to show up for sure at 6:30, and they would linger, because talking to someone else’s family is sometimes more fun (even though we were all at the table) and questions were asked that never would have occurred to me to ask! It seemed that with a two more conversationalists, and the ritualization of the event, everyone enjoyed the evenings more, cooking was more rewarding, and I would often hear the kids tell friends they couldn’t meet up until after “family night,” even without them asking if they could. When my son came home from college for a summer, he was sure never to miss family dinners, a great chance to get a delicious meal and talk to NOW interesting adults, as well as newly-grown up sisters! It turned out to be a wonderful tradition, one that partly made up for the lack of dinners together during the week. And it often kept the kids home for the remainder of the evening, their own choice.

by: Bill Doherty

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 03:15:28 +0000

As I replied to Lisa, the major studies have controlled for social class factors, so the findings are not just a byproduct of being middle class. The same for family structure–one or two parent families. The findings keep coming out significant.

by: Bill Doherty

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 03:13:59 +0000

Lisa raises an important point that I talked about briefly in my on-air interview about family meal rituals. Recent studies have found beneficial associations with family dinners even when controlling for the overall quality of family relationships. The studies also control for a variety of family socioeconomic factors. While we cannot prove causality in correlational studies, we can make a reasonable case that family meals carry special benefits. By the way, no one is suggesting that it’s just the act of sitting down to a meal together that leads to the benefits; it’s what goes on as families share meals together.