Comments on: Character(s) and Family http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/ Mon, 06 Sep 2010 06:09:24 -0400 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.5 hourly 1 By: Nicholas King http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/comment-page-1/#comment-75236 Nicholas King Mon, 24 May 2010 05:12:54 +0000 http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/?p=867#comment-75236 my best friend has been in an Anger Management class for 2 months now, he improved a lot when dealing with anger.,," my best friend has been in an Anger Management class for 2 months now, he improved a lot when dealing with anger.,,”

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]]> By: dan http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/comment-page-1/#comment-71206 dan Tue, 16 Feb 2010 20:34:57 +0000 http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/?p=867#comment-71206 Activeadvocate - Thanks for sharing more information. She sounds like she'd be a great guest on the show! Dan Activeadvocate -
Thanks for sharing more information. She sounds like she’d be a great guest on the show!
Dan

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]]> By: Activadvocate http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/comment-page-1/#comment-71149 Activadvocate Mon, 15 Feb 2010 18:05:47 +0000 http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/?p=867#comment-71149 A conversational tool to use with colleagues comes from (can't remember for sure, but both are good books:) _Crucial Conversations) or _Radical Collaboration_. It goes like this: 1. When you... (describe the other person's behavior) 2. Here's how I respond... (describe something detrimental to the working relationship) 3. ...so in the future, please... (describe what you'd like) This works better than merely complaining. It helps them understand another person's perspective, and what they're asking for. Maybe, in the case of a parent-child interaction, the parent could add that probably other people (other adults?) would respond in the same way, and this would not lead to a happy life adjustment for the child. Naturally, the parent wants what's best for the child in the long run, and that's why it would be best for the child to change their behavior. Does that make sense? A conversational tool to use with colleagues comes from (can’t remember for sure, but both are good books:) _Crucial Conversations) or _Radical Collaboration_. It goes like this:
1. When you… (describe the other person’s behavior)
2. Here’s how I respond… (describe something detrimental to the working relationship)
3. …so in the future, please… (describe what you’d like)

This works better than merely complaining. It helps them understand another person’s perspective, and what they’re asking for.

Maybe, in the case of a parent-child interaction, the parent could add that probably other people (other adults?) would respond in the same way, and this would not lead to a happy life adjustment for the child. Naturally, the parent wants what’s best for the child in the long run, and that’s why it would be best for the child to change their behavior.

Does that make sense?

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]]> By: Activadvocate http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/comment-page-1/#comment-71146 Activadvocate Mon, 15 Feb 2010 17:56:06 +0000 http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/?p=867#comment-71146 The basis for right ranking is treating everyone with dignity, regardless of rank. It's responsible use of position / status, not using it to achieve personal goals like fame or power. The author recommends using our position for the betterment of all. Deming's Total Quality Management (TQM) is an example of right-ranking. The author provides an assessment so readers can determine the extent to which they are overt or covert "Somebodies" or "Nobodies" in various settings. She also lists various rankist types, for example, among "Somebodies," those she characterizes as the Tyrant, Seething Giant, Gangster, Sovereign, Grandee, Extortionist, Scapegoater, Fabricator, Gatekeeper, and Snubber. Among "Nobodies," she lists those she characterizes as Retaliator, Dog Kicker, Flatter, Avenger, Gossip, Placater, Noble Sufferer, and Onlooker. Perhaps you've encountered some of these in your work? (Haven't we all?) She also lists Right Rank types, characterizing them as Persuaders and Activists. Does this give you a clue why I value her insights? :-) I have no doubt that Dr. Wambach would be pleased to share her research and concepts on your radio show sometime. Her website is right-rank.com. Please forgive me for my delay in responding; I don't follow this blog closely, given my other activities. The basis for right ranking is treating everyone with dignity, regardless of rank. It’s responsible use of position / status, not using it to achieve personal goals like fame or power. The author recommends using our position for the betterment of all. Deming’s Total Quality Management (TQM) is an example of right-ranking.

The author provides an assessment so readers can determine the extent to which they are overt or covert “Somebodies” or “Nobodies” in various settings.

She also lists various rankist types, for example, among “Somebodies,” those she characterizes as the Tyrant, Seething Giant, Gangster, Sovereign, Grandee, Extortionist, Scapegoater, Fabricator, Gatekeeper, and Snubber. Among “Nobodies,” she lists those she characterizes as Retaliator, Dog Kicker, Flatter, Avenger, Gossip, Placater, Noble Sufferer, and Onlooker.

Perhaps you’ve encountered some of these in your work? (Haven’t we all?)

She also lists Right Rank types, characterizing them as Persuaders and Activists.

Does this give you a clue why I value her insights? :-)

I have no doubt that Dr. Wambach would be pleased to share her research and concepts on your radio show sometime. Her website is right-rank.com.

Please forgive me for my delay in responding; I don’t follow this blog closely, given my other activities.

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]]> By: JJO http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/comment-page-1/#comment-70969 JJO Thu, 11 Feb 2010 18:12:32 +0000 http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/?p=867#comment-70969 Dear Dan, Thanks for a great post. After a rough trip home for the past month, I came to realize that home is the place where we really learn the give and take of life. If I think back on the times that mattered to me with parents or friends, it had to do with these soul wrenching moments, when we realize simultaneously that we are at once less than we ever thought, but more than we could ever imagine, due to some real moment of connection over a shortcoming. It is important not to cling to any one moment or insight about ourselves, or those we love. Life indeed is very fluid, and the danger of brooding or gloating over such inherently imbalanced power moments( parent to child) is really the only shortfall. But to forego these moments for that reason is pure folly. All five of the Mulhern-Granholms and extended families and friends in my thoughts this stormy February day. JJO Dear Dan,
Thanks for a great post. After a rough trip home for the past month, I came to realize that home is the place where we really learn the give and take of life. If I think back on the times that mattered to me with parents or friends, it had to do with these soul wrenching moments, when we realize simultaneously that we are at once less than we ever thought, but more than we could ever imagine, due to some real moment of connection over a shortcoming.
It is important not to cling to any one moment or insight about ourselves, or those we love. Life indeed is very fluid, and the danger of brooding or gloating over such inherently imbalanced power moments( parent to child) is really the only shortfall. But to forego these moments for that reason is pure folly.

All five of the Mulhern-Granholms and extended families and friends in my thoughts this stormy February day.

JJO

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]]> By: Judith http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/comment-page-1/#comment-70904 Judith Tue, 09 Feb 2010 18:12:32 +0000 http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/?p=867#comment-70904 I read your weekly emails and find them to be helpful. You seem to find nuggets of info that we all need to remember. I find that I continue to learn from my kids about who I am and how I can improve. It is hard to not make mistakes - of course we usually don't realize our words or actions or decisions are wrong until later. But I have always tried to be honest and admit when I am wrong to my kids. I believe they need to know that we recognize and can admit our own mistakes. I found the comment from Mark below to hit the mark for me in my work environment. Of course, none of us are nobodies, but when the person in a superior position on the flow chart acts like you are a nobody, then convincing them that you have something worthwhile to contribute is difficult. I recently asked for some feedback from my boss and was told 'Yes, everything is fine. If it wasn't, you would know it.' That is so often the feedback the "nobodies" hear. I read your weekly emails and find them to be helpful. You seem to find nuggets of info that we all need to remember.

I find that I continue to learn from my kids about who I am and how I can improve. It is hard to not make mistakes – of course we usually don’t realize our words or actions or decisions are wrong until later. But I have always tried to be honest and admit when I am wrong to my kids. I believe they need to know that we recognize and can admit our own mistakes.

I found the comment from Mark below to hit the mark for me in my work environment.

Of course, none of us are nobodies, but when the person in a superior position on the flow chart acts like you are a nobody, then convincing them that you have something worthwhile to contribute is difficult.

I recently asked for some feedback from my boss and was told ‘Yes, everything is fine. If it wasn’t, you would know it.’ That is so often the feedback the “nobodies” hear.

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]]> By: Cheryl http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/comment-page-1/#comment-70902 Cheryl Tue, 09 Feb 2010 17:17:54 +0000 http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/?p=867#comment-70902 Very good article. Being a mother of three grown daughters I understand the learning curve on both sides! My only other comment is that this also applies to education. Too often it is easier to let things slide and not take on the "hassle". It is important to help students of all ages (adult and children) grow and develope to their full potential. Even if this means a little "hassle" sometimes. Very good article. Being a mother of three grown daughters I understand the learning curve on both sides! My only other comment is that this also applies to education. Too often it is easier to let things slide and not take on the “hassle”. It is important to help students of all ages (adult and children) grow and develope to their full potential. Even if this means a little “hassle” sometimes.

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]]> By: dan http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/comment-page-1/#comment-70894 dan Tue, 09 Feb 2010 03:39:00 +0000 http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/?p=867#comment-70894 Bill, Very cool. I don't ever remember seeing that before. It speaks of a word that seems nearly all gone in our society: nobility. It is so firm, yet so gracious. Thanks for sharing that! Dan Bill,
Very cool. I don’t ever remember seeing that before.
It speaks of a word that seems nearly all gone in our society: nobility. It is so firm, yet so gracious.
Thanks for sharing that!
Dan

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]]> By: dan http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/comment-page-1/#comment-70892 dan Tue, 09 Feb 2010 03:36:39 +0000 http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/?p=867#comment-70892 Mark John, Interesting you should mention that about bosses and nobodies, because this week's Everyday Leadership radio is all about leading up. You might want to pick up the stream at http://www.wjimam.com. Thanks for your continued contributions to the RFL community. D. Mark John,
Interesting you should mention that about bosses and nobodies, because this week’s Everyday Leadership radio is all about leading up. You might want to pick up the stream at http://www.wjimam.com.
Thanks for your continued contributions to the RFL community.
D.

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]]> By: dan http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/comment-page-1/#comment-70891 dan Tue, 09 Feb 2010 03:34:37 +0000 http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/?p=867#comment-70891 Thanks, Bill. So much great stuff above. Thanks, Bill. So much great stuff above.

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]]> By: Bill Fullmer http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/comment-page-1/#comment-70889 Bill Fullmer Tue, 09 Feb 2010 02:56:47 +0000 http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/?p=867#comment-70889 Great article Dan. It clearly got a lot of people including me thinking about your messages and looking at how they fit each of us. For me, it helped identify places to seek different ways of listening and responding. Thanks. Great article Dan. It clearly got a lot of people including me thinking about your messages and looking at how they fit each of us. For me, it helped identify places to seek different ways of listening and responding. Thanks.

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]]> By: Mark John Hunter - Alpena http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/comment-page-1/#comment-70880 Mark John Hunter - Alpena Mon, 08 Feb 2010 22:58:30 +0000 http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/?p=867#comment-70880 What a dialogue today! I hope this makes Jack and Kate feel accomplished. I often do not know what to do when I am in the reverse situation described in this RFL. That is when as a "nobody" [Activadvocate comment] I try to correct a "somebody," or merely try to get a somebody to listen to the rest of the story. Of course, none of us are nobodies, but when the person in a superior position on the flow chart acts like you are a nobody, then convincing them that you have something worthwhile to contribute is difficult. I like the family anecdotes, since they open more and more issues, as you re-read them. Life is simple, and then it is not. Often it is not the circumstances, but the people who make the day. That applies to work, or home. Human relations is the key to it all. What a dialogue today! I hope this makes Jack and Kate feel accomplished. I often do not know what to do when I am in the reverse situation described in this RFL. That is when as a “nobody” [Activadvocate comment] I try to correct a “somebody,” or merely try to get a somebody to listen to the rest of the story.

Of course, none of us are nobodies, but when the person in a superior position on the flow chart acts like you are a nobody, then convincing them that you have something worthwhile to contribute is difficult.

I like the family anecdotes, since they open more and more issues, as you re-read them. Life is simple, and then it is not. Often it is not the circumstances, but the people who make the day. That applies to work, or home. Human relations is the key to it all.

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]]> By: dan http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/comment-page-1/#comment-70878 dan Mon, 08 Feb 2010 21:56:07 +0000 http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/?p=867#comment-70878 FRM, Your observations about feedback are interesting, and I agree and also differ. I believe the rule should be as you say: give feedback which share your point of view and how someone's behavior affected you. So often we don't do this; we talk about the other person, their behaviors, (what we think are) their motivations, and what we think those behaviors say about them and impact others. It's easier to do this than simply own how I perceived or felt about their behavior. So, I'm right with you on that. In fact, it reminds me of a very powerful teaching that my business partner M.A. did in a workshop on conflict. As mediator, she refused to let the two parties in conflict drag anyone else into the room. Each had to own their own feelings and observations, through "I" and not "you" statements. Even in a simulation it was hard. People wanted to say, "everyone else...," or "lots of people..." But she made them stand up for their own point of view - no more, yet also no less. It was very human and formed the basis for one-to-one respect. So, why do I NOT agree? Because in the case of parents, I think sometimes we need to stand up for, represent, as it were, more than ourselves. We need to be able to stand for the community in some ways. For example, if a child deceives you, you can certainly say how it made you feel, and what you thought. But to me it's perfectly reasonable to use such a case as a teachable moment, and to speak on behalf of more than just yourself. And the discussion may well turn to other examples, life experiences, where you have seen dishonesty cause great pain - to the tellers and those who were lied to. Perhaps you should just say, "I'm disappointed and frightened (which were my feelings when as a parent or other I've been lied to), because lying undermines my trust and I would hate not to trust you." But somehow, to me, it's about more than me, my trust, my disappointment or fears. It is about building a world of trust. Thoughts on this? Happy to have pushback, but sometimes I think a parent can speak for teh community, so, I believe can a boss, who is supposed to represent more than just her own opinion, but also the needs and standards of the organization. D. FRM,
Your observations about feedback are interesting, and I agree and also differ. I believe the rule should be as you say: give feedback which share your point of view and how someone’s behavior affected you. So often we don’t do this; we talk about the other person, their behaviors, (what we think are) their motivations, and what we think those behaviors say about them and impact others. It’s easier to do this than simply own how I perceived or felt about their behavior. So, I’m right with you on that.

In fact, it reminds me of a very powerful teaching that my business partner M.A. did in a workshop on conflict. As mediator, she refused to let the two parties in conflict drag anyone else into the room. Each had to own their own feelings and observations, through “I” and not “you” statements. Even in a simulation it was hard. People wanted to say, “everyone else…,” or “lots of people…” But she made them stand up for their own point of view – no more, yet also no less. It was very human and formed the basis for one-to-one respect.

So, why do I NOT agree? Because in the case of parents, I think sometimes we need to stand up for, represent, as it were, more than ourselves. We need to be able to stand for the community in some ways. For example, if a child deceives you, you can certainly say how it made you feel, and what you thought. But to me it’s perfectly reasonable to use such a case as a teachable moment, and to speak on behalf of more than just yourself. And the discussion may well turn to other examples, life experiences, where you have seen dishonesty cause great pain – to the tellers and those who were lied to. Perhaps you should just say, “I’m disappointed and frightened (which were my feelings when as a parent or other I’ve been lied to), because lying undermines my trust and I would hate not to trust you.” But somehow, to me, it’s about more than me, my trust, my disappointment or fears. It is about building a world of trust.

Thoughts on this? Happy to have pushback, but sometimes I think a parent can speak for teh community, so, I believe can a boss, who is supposed to represent more than just her own opinion, but also the needs and standards of the organization.

D.

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]]> By: FRM http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/comment-page-1/#comment-70874 FRM Mon, 08 Feb 2010 20:17:57 +0000 http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/?p=867#comment-70874 Interesting conversations here. AND, I have a somewhat different point of view. The statement "As parents and bosses we FAIL when we don’t give people feedback about falling short, counsel about why it matters (for them and us), and help them to locate a path forward that works for them" doesn't just apply to parents and bosses. It applies to ALL of us (and at the same time, I "get" that you were directing the column at parents and bosses). However, we are all in service to one another, which includes giving feedback. Each of us is at our own point of development along the humanity continuum. So one thing to remember about feedback is that it reflects the giver's point-of-view. Many times we believe we are giving feedback about another's behavior, but feedback is actually letting the other person know how they have impacted us. It's important to own our emotions (i.e., "This incident makes me remember a time when I..." or "The impact your behavior has had on me is..."). This way, we do not imply that we are better than the other, but instead that we understand that life is about learning, making choices, feeling comfortable with the outcomes of those choices, and choosing again if not. It becomes an exercise in love and emotional intimacy. Interesting conversations here. AND, I have a somewhat different point of view. The statement “As parents and bosses we FAIL when we don’t give people feedback about falling short, counsel about why it matters (for them and us), and help them to locate a path forward that works for them” doesn’t just apply to parents and bosses. It applies to ALL of us (and at the same time, I “get” that you were directing the column at parents and bosses).

However, we are all in service to one another, which includes giving feedback. Each of us is at our own point of development along the humanity continuum. So one thing to remember about feedback is that it reflects the giver’s point-of-view. Many times we believe we are giving feedback about another’s behavior, but feedback is actually letting the other person know how they have impacted us. It’s important to own our emotions (i.e., “This incident makes me remember a time when I…” or “The impact your behavior has had on me is…”). This way, we do not imply that we are better than the other, but instead that we understand that life is about learning, making choices, feeling comfortable with the outcomes of those choices, and choosing again if not. It becomes an exercise in love and emotional intimacy.

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]]> By: dan http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/2010/02/characters-and-family/comment-page-1/#comment-70870 dan Mon, 08 Feb 2010 18:41:46 +0000 http://www.danmulhern.com/wordpress/?p=867#comment-70870 Activadvocate, Thanks for the notion of "right ranking," but I have a question: what makes it right ranking? Is any type of feedback from "below" in the hierarchy "right ranking?" Or is it that it's trying to help those "with rank" to act "right?" Are there guides in Dr Wambach's book for those who want to "right rank" in an effective way? It seems like that might be good for the discussion with Mark. D. Activadvocate,
Thanks for the notion of “right ranking,” but I have a question: what makes it right ranking? Is any type of feedback from “below” in the hierarchy “right ranking?” Or is it that it’s trying to help those “with rank” to act “right?”
Are there guides in Dr Wambach’s book for those who want to “right rank” in an effective way? It seems like that might be good for the discussion with Mark.
D.

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