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When I saw The Blind Side, I fell in love with Sandra Bullock.  Watching her Oscars acceptance speech, I fell in love all over again.

See the movie to watch a great mom – as everyday leader.  And see any of these awards ceremonies, where winners are effusive and emotional with their thanks and praise to remember: We don’t accomplish anything great alone.  (Oh, there’s always a couple of ungracious winners, like the one woman who interrupted her co-recipient and stole the microphone completely. Who will ever want to work with her in Hollywood?)  Generally, the thanks are heartfelt and ubiquitous.

In that spirit, I want to thank the many people who have been commenting on this RFL blog.  Lately, the discussions have felt richer than ever before.  Let’s keep inspiring and educating each other to lead with our best.  I also want to thank the tens of people who wrote me directly after my “shut up” column two weeks ago.  I had no idea there were so many kind, positive, and fed-up-with-PC-thinking people out there.

One of the simplest and most enduring acts of leadership is available to you today:  Thank the people who help you to

Lead with your best self!

Dan

I’d never met a composer before, but had the pleasure on Sunday of meeting David Winkler.  David’s composition “Winds of Time,” was premiered at Michigan State University with violinist Dmitri Berlinksy conducting the chamber orchestra.  David is the husband of my friend Kathi Elster, who is co-author of the acclaimed book Working for You Isn’t Working for Me. We had brunch together.  We seasoned the food and peppered David with questions about how a composer imagines a piece, develops it, and how he interfaces with the conductor.  Although his work is more complicated and intricately developed, I couldn’t help but think that it parallels that of a coach, a general, perhaps a CEO.  He develops a complex plan that others must execute.  We smiled at his stories of how hard it is to “let go” as he hears musicians not quite appreciate and execute his full artistic intent.

“I have to write for people,” he said, fully appreciating how obvious that probably sounded.  He explained that one of the things he has learned to do is to write lines of music that let a musician ease into the work.  He knows he will ask them to execute very difficult technical dimensions, so he wants them to get there with ease and momentum.  The point he made echoed one I’d just read in Dan and Chip Heath’s excellent new best-seller Switch: How To Change Things When Change is Hard.

The Heaths’ book brims with research, great stories and this seminal image:  Our brains experience a battle for control, where our logical side, which they refer to as the Driver, must battle the need, passion and fear-driven emotional side of our minds.  They call this side the Elephant, and you can imagine which side wins all too often.  Consider the battle in your head that occurs when an aromatic slice of your favorite Grand Traverse Pie Company pie is steaming before you:  does the Driver have a chance against the Elephant?  Here’s the point that the Heaths make, which like composer Winkler’s strategy in writing offers us so much sense when, as they say, “change is hard:”

“A business cliché commands us to ‘raise the bar.’ But that’s exactly the wrong instinct if you want to motivate a reluctant Elephant.  You need to lower the bar.  Picture taking a high-jump bar and lowering it so far that it can be stepped over.  If you want a reluctant Elephant to get moving, you need to shrink the change.” (italics in original)

Our plans are for people.  Good to remember as you

Lead with your best self,

Dan

A rare RFL clarification to my prior post. I used the words “shut up” today. I wished I hadn’t. I meant it the way kids these days will say “shut up,” with a tone of “no way,” or “get out of here,” or “you’re kidding me.” It was meant to be casual, yet still express my shocking amazement at Lincoln and Washington being entirely self-educated.

I should have known that readers would not be able to HEAR my
light-hearted used of heavy words. And, I’m sorry if my words felt
insulting. The first blog comment chastised me, understandably, for
sounding callous in these tough times. And he suggested I should think
about “privilege.”

If you felt similarly, let me push back about that. Lincoln and
Washington were not privileged. That was the major point. They
experienced poverty in Lincoln’s case, and the loss of a father in
Washington’s. They weren’t at great private schools, charter schools, or even public schools. Lincoln experienced more defeats than most of us ever will, yet he kept on. And although people like me, vested with
attachments of privilege, are “supposed to be” deferential, docile, and
demure, I’m not sure that’s always the role for people with formal
authority. My point, poorly made, was this: anyone can do anything,
especially in these times. And yes, even if unemployed, even if not
privileged, even if disadvantaged. I did not mean to insult those in
trouble but to challenge and encourage by the inspiring example of
Washington and Lincoln.

I’m grateful to the early commentator who prompted this unusual second RFL.

Love to hear your thoughts as you

Lead with your best self,

Friends,

What does this say to you?  Abraham Lincoln had only about a year of formal schooling.  George Washington was schooled by his father, until the latter died when Washington was eleven years old. His schooling ended then.

Our two greatest presidents – who led the country through its two most treacherous times – were both enormously learned, voracious readers and bibliophiles, yet with almost no formal education. What’s that say to you?

To me it says, “Shut up!”  With the extraordinary resources of the internet, of libraries, and bookstores, we are so blessed.  What CAN’T we learn?  What new career, language, skill, knowledge, trade, or business lies beyond any of us?  None, unless we think it so, or unless we lack the drive and the discipline and the overarching purpose to improve ourselves to become better-for-others.

If you’re looking for inspiration, look no further than Washington and Lincoln to encourage you to

Lead with your best self.

Dan

Friends,

I came at it from a bunch of different angles on Saturday. Topic: How do you get heard? I interviewed a radio producer to see just how the successful supplicants managed to get on JP McCarthy’s morning drive time show. I talked to Lindsay a PR student as MSU about the tactics she’s using to get people to pay attention to her about the census – yawn (about the topic, not Lindsay). I talked to Patty, a 5′1” communications expert who told my listeners: “Stand tall, sit tall, speak tall.” I talked to Crowley & Elster about their book Working for You Isn’t Working for Me, and to John Baldoni, whose recent book captured, the topic, Leading Your Boss.

As a radio interviewer I sometimes find myself hearing my voices of doubt ,saying things like, “maybe this wasn’t a great topic,” or “maybe I didn’t look hard enough for guests,” or “everybody already knows this stuff. This week I kept thinking instead, “wow that’s an interesting perspective,” or “It’s amazing how people with such different perspectives arrive at such similar conclusions.” And I kept having the thought I love to have when I’m doing my “Everyday Leadership” show, this stuff is so USEFUL.”

Hopefully, you’re wondering, “What? What? What was so interesting?” Well, listen to the show. If you’re trying to lead up or across with boss, co-workers, other divisions, managers, etc., you’ll find it fascinating. In the meantime, here’s the Spark Notes:

1. Know your audience.  And here I mean the audience of one, whom you’re trying to move. The people you’re trying to move have different values, pressures, temperaments, and they have different audiences than you do. It’s nice – and totally naïve – to think that the boss should be dying to know your perspective and adopt it whole cloth. The truth is he or she continually lives in their own thoughts, skin, context, and your voice is just one. The more you can understand how they think, what they value, and what challenges they face, the better your chances of getting through.

2. Prepare. If you have a moment at a board meeting, 15 minutes with the boss, 60 seconds with the mayor, you have to be ready. I watched my wife at the Gridiron Diner in D.C. – a comedy roast. Everyone was in tails and gowns. It was all fun and laughter. But I watched Jennifer pick her way through the room. “Michigan is ready for wind technology,” she began with Energy Secretary Chu. “Race to the Top is a great initiative,” she told Education Secretary Duncan, “We’d love to make Detroit one of your first visits as you roll it out.” While most people were kicking back, enjoying the jokes, the people-watching and chance encounters, she was making every second count. She knew who she wanted to see and what she wanted to convey and/or learn.

There’s way more on the show. But if you’re committed to leading up, you’ve got to know your audience and prepare well, to…

Lead with your best self,

Dan

Jack is 12.  Kate is 20.  They remain my best leadership lab: I study their behaviors, and study myself acting in response.  I like family leadership, because it’s real, raw, unpretentious, yet the stakes are high.  This week the two reminded me that it’s important to exercise my authority.  I mean “exercise” both in the sense of using it, but also in the sense of practicing it like a craft.  I, as much as my children, am a work in progress, and so I am always recalibrating.

Our little man has been an amazing leader in our home, honing his native skills of emotional intelligence.  For instance, when one of his friendly interruptions provokes one of my impatient eruptions he’ll be quite direct: “Geez, Dad,” he’ll say, “seems like you’re pretty wound up today.”  He stops me in my tracks.  Or, when Jen comes home from another day of battle in Lansing, he’ll say, “Let’s watch American Idol,” and then back it up by offering a shared vision of how things can be: “We need to lighten things up around here.  Life doesn’t have to be so serious, you guys.”  His sensitivity, humor and kindness have lifted us a hundred times over.  (For our part, we thank him, recognize the vital role he plays, and also try to tell him in words and action, that it’s not his job to take care of us.)  There’s no doubt that he’s often leading up.

Kate has also been an extraordinary teacher.  She’s an analytic, objective, impartial, and skeptical thinker who has helped me to see that my way was not the only highway.  She and I are so different and she has gone toe-to-toe with me on numerous occasions to make me aware that my “truths” are limited by my assumptions and biases.  I have really learned to respect her differences and I look forward to car rides back to college when I can learn from her.

They are also still our children, and we are not afraid to exercise our moral and occasionally penal  authority – key tools of leadership.  And I chose to exercise authority this week.  (Their ages – and my respect for them – necessitate me withholding the details of what follows, but any parent or supervisor can fill in the blanks from their own experience.)  Both acted in ways – one overt, and the other more covert – that exhibited defiance.  And I called them each out.  It would have been way more convenient and peaceful to ignore the stuff.  Objectively, it was minor.  But in their continued development, it had to do with character.  And character, like values, is never minor.

We all need people to call us out and call us to a higher standard, to be our best.  As parents and bosses we FAIL when we don’t give people feedback about falling short, counsel about why it matters (for them and us), and help for them to locate a path forward that works for them.  Especially when it has to do with character.  You might examine what you’re tolerating in the way of behavior that falls short of what you, your family or organization, and especially they themselves deserve.  Initiate direct, calm, and loving conversations to

Lead with your best self,

Today in the last of a series on reaching long-term goals, I offer age-old wisdom from Stephen Covey along with a simple, specific tactic.

First, the tactic: create two-week goals.  Take the big long-term goal that you have, and ask yourself this simple question: “What can I accomplish in two weeks that will lead me toward achievement of this big goal?”  I have found that two weeks is a long enough period that you can make real progress on a large project.  In a busy life, a week just may not be enough.  On the other hand, two weeks is a short enough period of time that you have to move; you can’t delay getting going if you want something to show for yourself.

The age-old wisdom comes from 7 Habits of Highly Effective People in which Stephen Covey drew for us his famous four quadrant box (if your browser works, you’ll see it below) or you can see it here.  Covey’s four boxes put important things on top and unimportant on the bottom. And they put urgent matters on the left and not urgent matters on the right.  So Covey, along with other management experts, recommends that you minimize the time you spend on “not urgent and not important” (quadrant 4) activities.  Of course, most of us will naturally take care of the urgent and important (quadrant 1).

Where Covey’s quadrants are particularly helpful though is in helping us move to spending precious time and energy on “not urgent but important” (quadrant 2) activities, rather than on “urgent but not important” (quadrant 3) activities.  Often, due to a felt lack of urgency, our big long-term goals languish in quadrant two.  Going back to school, trying a new career, shifting into a new business market, or working on our marriage can all be things which we long to take on, but which simply are not urgent in the habits of our days.  Losing weight can stay in quadrant 3 “important but not urgent” for years, until a heart attack or stroke yank it into quadrant one – urgent and important.

If there’s a goal that’s important to you, yet not urgent on this Monday morning, I encourage you to bump it up on your list.  Ask where you want to be on that goal in 2 weeks, tell a friend you’ve set the goal, and go on ahead and

Lead with your best (most important) self,

Dan

RFL Readers:

I received two private emails from people who were upset with my choice of Kobe Bryant as a role model for leadership. They were not arguing with Kobe’s work ethic and his turning to a coach to improve his skills. They instead said that his whole character was problematic for them. They pointed out that Kobe had been accused of sexual assault and although not convicted accepted responsibility for it. Kobe released a statement at the time that began: “I want to apologize directly to the young woman involved in this incident. I want to apologize to her for my behavior that night and for the consequences she has suffered in the past year. Although this year has been incredibly difficult for me personally, I can only imagine the pain she has had to endure.”

I shared my thoughts with these two women, and feel it’s right to publicly share this, my own mea culpa:

“Thanks for writing me.  This incident, like so many, was for me a blip on the radar screen (I hardly took note) – I’m not excusing myself, just explaining.  Had I known/remembered this, I wouldn’t have written about Kobe but would have found a less problematic example.

Kobe’s apology read quite powerfully.  It sure is hard to know when an apology is real, isn’t it?  As a social-political matter, I am against holding people like this on a pedestal.  Thus, I don’t think Pete Rose should go into the Hall of Fame.  Nor should the steroid users.  On the other hand, as a personal matter, I hope Kobe’s statement accurately reflects his heart and not just the smooth words of a great PR person (who no doubt was paid for the craft of writing). I believe (and am grateful!) that God creates room for penitence and a new start.  I’m very uncomfortable judging anyone else.  It’s hard enough knowing whether my own heart is clean and my behavior sufficiently reformed.

THE most important thing to do once you have a clear goal in place is to identify the key driver. By “driver” I mean the key strategy or activity that more than anything else will lead you to your goal. The goal is something you really want; the driver on the other hand may well be something you’re not really geeked about doing. In reaching a big and meaningful goal, diffusion of focus and division of energy are intrepid enemies. Tangents are killers. By contrast, people who reach big, long-term goals keep grabbing the reins of the most important work. So, this “Reading for Leading” is not about reviving your attitude, or reviewing a little knowledge, or a fun story. This RFL invites you to think and focus. I dare you to take me – but especially yourself – seriously, and use a blank sheet and a pen to write one sentence or one word if you’re serious about your long term goal.

Here’s a quick example of a key driver: in a major fund-raising campaign, there are many activities that contribute to success: A good theme and materials, hiring good people, setting an ambitious yet reasonable goal, bringing in new donors, identifying a needed and wanted project for solicitation, cultivating relationships, etc. But there is one key driver and that is having the president or dean or CEO “make the ask of major donors.” And leadership must pay focused attention to that key driver. Many campaigns and campaign leaders will falter because they won’t clearly identify this as the key driver. They may not ask – their board, consultants, and themselves – what the key driver is, because they don’t want to hear the answer: “Dude, you and only you have to ask some people for big amounts of their money!!!!” Few things are harder. They may feel they’re not persuasive. They may hate hearing “no.” They may find the prospective donors to be less than great or enjoyable people. They may much prefer to look at architectural plans for the new wing, hold receptions to brief prospects, or even write fund raising letters. But if they want to reach the goal, asking individual people for major gifts is the key driver. Knowing that is the major first step.

If you’re serious about your goal, get serious about the driver.

Here are some other key drivers – in my experience and in general: For writers, it is setting aside sacrosanct hours every day to write. At some point it may be finding an agent, or letting someone review their work. For managers it’s having regular, focused meetings about the goal and progress towards it. For parents, it is spending quality time with their children. Often, the key driver will be asking somebody else for something: to invest, to donate, to review your writing or listen to your playing, to give you a chance on a big project, to take you on as a mentee, to understand your need for space or intimacy as a lover, to help you stay clean of an addiction at hard moments. Often you can only make this “ask,” if your goal is truly important, and sometimes it takes believing that you are really important, that you matter.

The driver is the strategy that sits between a goal that really matters to you – and the fears and doubts that can undermine you. When you’re clear about the goal and clear about the key driver, it’s a whole lot easier to act and to succeed in spite of all doubt.

On your key goal(s), I encourage you to write down the key driver so you can truly

Lead with your best self!

Today, leadership from Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan. Yes, superstars. Yes, athletes. And yes, yes, they are relevant for you and me, everyday leaders.

Kobe and MJ exemplify the third and fourth keys in this mini-series of thoughts for those who have a big goal which at times, perhaps most of the time, seems unachievable. Last week I wrote about the importance of protecting the vision in your heart and intention, no matter the reality; and I wrote of the importance of savoring the small wins on the way.

The third key to achieving far off goals is to use setbacks to inform your mind and sharpen your drive. What do you do when you hit a dead end on the way to an important goal, when you’re flat-out defeated on a job interview or sales presentation or art show? Ouch! It’s easy to walk away – not think about why and not want to work so hard again for this – this pain of losing when you have elevated your hopes and worked hard and taken risks! Hoops fans know that Kobe Bryant won three NBA championships, but then the Lakers fell on tough times, losing in or not even making the playoffs for years. He was rich, had his rings, and could have competed comfortably at a super-high level without winning another championship. And, with Jordan, Detroit fans remember proudly that the Pistons thumped young Jordan’s Bulls three years in a row, draping players on him so he couldn’t move. Both Bryant and Jordan used defeat to motivate them. It sharpened their edge. Nobody but you can find this spark, this edge. So find it!!! Know that nothing great is accomplished without setback. Use setback as fuel.

And then the fourth key – also from the hoop greats: get help! Jordan’s response to his third defeat to the hated Bad Boys of Detroit was that he went out and hired Tim Grover, a young personal trainer, and he submitted to Grover’s intense workouts. Grover built the strength Jordan felt he needed to keep the Pistons from wearing him down again. When we watch Michael and Kobe, we see God-given grace and athleticism, the ferocious “eye of the tiger,” and we hear the announcers sanctify these solo heroes. Probably none of us has seen them in a weight room or an empty gym. MJ and Kobe were not alone in their work. Both used Grover and submitted to his regimens.

Here’s what Grover said about MJ and Kobe: “Here’s what they’re willing to do: They understand the sacrifice that it takes . . . They know it’s not just an in-season thing, an offseason thing, a preseason thing. It’s a year-round thing. They have to make sacrifices to go places where you don’t normally want to go.” And what Grover’s not saying is: they got help! Superstars lodged their dreams and goals with someone and gave him license to push them along. Who can you use to help keep you on track? I’m so grateful for my friends and coaches who push me, as I hope someone is pushing you to

Lead with your best self!

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